I like to make puppets as a hobby, and I’m discussing my latest project with a friend on the phone.
Me: “So, the next puppet I’m planning is going to be a jackalope.”
Friend: “A what? What the h*** is a jackalope?”
He proceeds to look it up.
Friend: “What the…? Who comes up with this s***?”
Me: “A taxidermist with a sense of humor?”
I’m a bartender. A group of women is sitting at their table.
Customer: “We all want margaritas!”
I go make them and bring them out to the table.
Customer: *Condescendingly.* “Here’s a tip: if someone orders a cocktail, you should make it in front of them.”
Me: “Well, if you were sitting at the bar, I could do that… Do you want me to bring the blender out to your table and make your frozen drink for you here?”
She glares at me while her friends laugh at her. She, in turn, glares at them:
Customer: “Stop it!”
Customer’s Friends: “H*** no! That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard!”
Her friends were great, not just because they tipped me well, but also because they kept reminding her about her stupid comment every time she tried to find a reason to complain about me (obviously just to try to get out of tipping).
I graduated college, moved out of my apartment, and a friend of mine moved in to begin the next year’s lease. We met when I was a sophomore, and she was a freshman, so I had known her for a few years by this point. We agreed via text that she would get all the utilities switched to her name in the first month to avoid any confusion. That month went by, and I started getting utility bills sent to my forwarding address. I sent her a reminder text.
Me: “Hey, don’t forget to change the utilities to your name.”
Friend: “I haven’t seen any bills, though.”
Me: “Because they’re all in my name and the postal service is forwarding them. You need to change them to your name.”
Friend: “Oh, okay. Yeah, I will.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Friend: “Or you can, that’s fine too.”
Me: “I can’t switch bills to someone else’s name; it has to be the person who is taking over payment. Otherwise, anyone could say someone else is paying their bills.”
Friend: “Oh, okay.”
I sent her pictures of each bill and listed out how to pay each one online. I saw on Facebook that she was going out to bars, concerts, and amusement parks, so I figured she was just busy.
Another month went by, and I got another round of bills, this time with PAST DUE in large print.
Me: “Change the utilities to your name today, please.”
Friend: “I’ll do it, I’m job hunting.”
Me: “Job hunting?”
Friend: “Yeah, I got fired. I’ll change them when I get a new job.”
Me: “You are getting past due notices. You need to pay them, or this will go to collections and my credit will take the hit.”
Friend: “Okay, I will.”
I sent updated pictures of the bills and reminded her how to pay them. No word about getting things changed over, but she was still posting about going out and having a great life.
ANOTHER month went by, and I was getting shut off notices for lack of payment. I tried reaching out to each company to explain that I was not the resident anymore, but they said there was nothing they could do until the current resident reaches out and changes the name. So, I texted her again.
Me: “Change the utilities today or everything is getting shut off.”
I sent the new bills and reminded her how to pay them online.
Friend: “I dropped out of school, I’m too depressed about getting fired. Do you think you can cover them, and I can pay you back?”
Me: “You need to pay these yourself.”
I sent everything AGAIN, though I didn’t have much hope at this point. More posts about partying, a brand-new car, and concerts. Sure enough, a few weeks later, [Friend] called me.
Friend: “They shut off my power!”
Me: “Because you didn’t pay your bills.”
Friend: “I don’t have a job! How am I supposed to pay?”
Me: “You’ve probably spent more on going out this last month alone than the total of your utilities. Get a job, get on a budget, get it together.”
I went online and found a dozen jobs that she could do – some even flexible enough to do from home – and sent them to her. She didn’t reply.
Eventually, everything was sent to collections, and [Friend] was still going out like money was nothing. Every time the collection agency called, I tried to explain what happened, but there was nothing they could do.
One Friday, I took off work and made the four-hour drive back to college to surprise [Friend]. She came home in the early afternoon, still dressed like she had been clubbing the night before, holding a half-empty bottle of expensive vodka in one hand.
Friend: “What are you doing here?”
Me: “We’re changing the utilities. Today.”
Friend: “But—”
Me: “No. I’m tired of collection agencies calling. You owe me for the past due bills so I can get them off my a**. I’m tired of waiting around for you to get this done.”
Friend: “Okay, but—”
Me: “—No. No buts. No d***ing around. We’re doing this today.”
We went inside and, using the hotspot on my phone and my computer, she switched the utilities to her name, paid the reactivation fees, and applied to several different jobs. I made her transfer the amount the collection agency wanted, then called them to pay it off before leaving.
On my way home, I had several people calling and texting me, asking what I had done to [Friend]. I pulled over to look at some screenshots from someone who knew both of us.
Friend: *Facebook post.* “This b**** [My Name] showed up at my house today demanding to pay all these bills in her name. I don’t have a job, I don’t have the money to pay, and she expects me to just magically do it? Karma is gonna get you [My Name]. Someday you’re going to be down on your luck and in need of a friend, but no one will want to help you, you f****** c***!”
I commented on the post with all the screenshots of our conversations, calling out her bull-s*** and reminding her of how patient I had been. She blocked me, but my other (true) friends continued to send me screenshots of her (several) rants about how I had ruined her life.
Each time someone commented in my favor, she deleted the post and made a new one. I heard that she tried to break the lease by abandoning the property, but the owner went after her for the full amount of the lease, and her parents had to bail her out.
Friend: “My doctor told me I should try taking some deactivated charcoal for my tummy issues.”
Me: “You mean activated charcoal.”
Friend: “No, deactivated. I don’t want to burn myself.”
Me: “Burn yourself? What do you mean?”
Friend: “Well, if it’s activated, it’s gonna be hot. Like on a barbecue.”
Me: “[Friend], do you think charcoal is activated when it’s on fire?”
Friend: “Yeah! You put fire on it, and it activates and cooks the meat!”
Me: “Activated charcoal is charcoal that’s already been heated, but like, really hot. It’s not the same as the kind you put under a barbecue. It’s like a pill or a capsule.”
Friend: “Oh, yeah, I saw the pills. They were expensive. I was just gonna go buy the barbecue charcoal.”
Me: “And what, chew on some rocks?”
Friend: “It was cheaper!”
I go to my friend’s place, and he seems to be flustered. He’s walking around trying to make a call on a cell phone.
Me: “What’s wrong?”
Friend: “I can’t find my phone!”
Me: “So you’re trying to call it to hear it ring?”
Friend: “Yeah, but every time I try to call my number, it doesn’t go through! It’s not working!”
Me: “Wouldn’t it be funny if you were trying to call your phone from your phone?”
Friend: “…”
He stops the call, looks at the phone, sighs deeply, and then looks back at me.
Friend: “In my defence, I was up all night studying…”
