My friend has a habit of announcing his ‘shower thoughts’ out loud at random moments:
Friend: “When you think about it, banana is a really stupid name.”
Me: “Huh?”
Friend: “Ba-na-na. It sounds like a baby trying to learn to speak.”
Me: “I never really thought about it.”
Friend: *Almost angry.* “Banana is the stupidest name for a fruit!”
Me: “Then you’re gonna be really angry when I tell you about Kumquats…”
A guy who is hanging out with our group realizes something about two of our friends.
Guy: “Wait, [Friend #1], [Friend #2], you two are best friends?”
Friend #1: “Ever since middle school.”
Guy: “But, you’re in a seminary? You’ll be a Catholic priest someday?”
Friend #1: “That’s the plan!”
Guy: “And [Friend #2], you teach science at a high school?”
Friend #2: “Yes, and I see where you’re going with this. I know, I know, a priest and a scientist. Sounds like the start of a bad joke.”
Guy: “Or the setup to an awesome TV series!”
We all laugh a little.
Guy: “Seriously, though, do you ever argue about this stuff? Science versus religion?”
They both sigh, as if dusting off the lines to a well-practised answer:
Friend #1: “We settled this stuff a while back. I deliver mass—”
Friend #2: “—And I study it.”
Friend #1: “We tend to meet in the middle.”
Guy: “That sounded rehearsed.”
Friend #1: “We get that question a lot.”
Friend #2: “But we knew the universe was on our side when the particle that carries mass was called the God Particle.”
Both friends wink at each other, and cheers with their beers, and then we moved on from such juvenile discussion points, such as religion and science, and on to more headier affairs, such as “if you were to be a cheese, which one would you be and why?”
My friend and I are driving to college together; she’s driving.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, she shouts:
Friend: “F***!”
Me: “What is it?!”
Friend: “I forgot my keys!”
Me: “Uh—”
Friend: “—I had that nagging feeling that I forgot something. I was running through a mental list of things when I suddenly realized!”
Me: “[Friend], you—”
Friend: “—I need to figure out who I can call to bring me home from school!”
Me: “[Friend]! You’re driving literally right now.”
Friend: “Yeah?”
Me: “I’m looking at your keys right now, since they’re in the ignition.”
Friend: “…”
Me: “You okay? Want me to drive?”
Friend: “You tell anyone about this, you’re dead.”
Me: “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not like I would type it up and submit to a website or anything…”
Friend: “Hey, I need you to pick me up and be my ride to the concert this weekend.”
Me: “Why, what happened to your car?”
Friend: “It was stolen!”
Me: “Oh no! Did you report it to the police?”
Friend: “Yeah, but they were useless! They said my car’s been repo’d, whatever that means.”
Me: “Uh… [Friend], that means repossessed. Are you keeping up with your car payments?”
Friend: “Why?”
Me: “Are you?”
Friend: “No, but it’s like what are they gonna do if I don’t?”
Me: “Literally what happened, [Friend]. They will do what they literally did and repossess your car.”
Friend: “But it was on my driveway! I woke up one morning, and it was gone!”
Me: “Your driveway, but until it’s fully paid off, the car is owned by the bank.”
Friend: “No, it’s my car!”
Me: “Oh, it’s your car? So, I guess the loan payments were for nothing?”
Friend: “Can you drive me to the concert this weekend or not?”
Me: “You’re a bit out of my way. Can you top up my gas?”
Friend: “Yeah, sure, I’ll pay you later.”
Me: “Uhm…”
Friend: “What?!”
Me: “I think, based on recent events, it would be better if you Venmo me before I head out.”
Friend: “Whatever, just come get me!”
Me: “I’ll come get you once you’ve sent me the money. $15 should cover it.”
The day of the concert comes. He did not Venmo me the money. I went to the concert with our other friends without him. He was very upset and blamed me for it, claiming he would have paid me back… eventually.
I’m talking to a friend of a friend at a college party, talking about interests.
Me: “As for me, I’m fascinated by the historic nature of myths. My thesis is actually about the idea of dragons developing over time.”
Friend Of Friend: “Is that a bit like dinosaurs? People say they used to exist, but no one really knows.”
Me: “Uh, no, dinosaurs definitely existed.”
Friend Of Friend: “Yeah, but no one knoooows.”
Me: “There’s a fossil record.”
Friend Of Friend: “Were you there?”
Me: “I didn’t need to be. There’s a fossil record. That’s evidence.”
Friend Of Friend: “I don’t know… I need to see it to believe it.”
Friend: “[Friend Of Friend], aren’t you taking American History?”
Friend Of Friend: “Yeah…”
Friend: “When was the Gettysburg Address?”
Friend Of Friend: *Proudly.* “November 19th, 1863.”
Friend: “You know that for sure?”
Friend Of Friend: “Yup! I study!”
Friend: “Then… wow, you look really good for your age.”
Friend Of Friend: “Huh?”
Friend: “I mean, you must have been there, since that’s the only way you know things happened in the past, right? You must be almost 180 years old! Congrats!”
Friend Of Friend: “What are you talking about! There are records! We know it happened!”
Me: “[Friend Of Friend], so when I said ‘fossil record’ what did ‘record’ mean?”
Friend Of Friend: “Oh that’s different! Those were bones put there by Satan to make people doubt God!”
Me: *Blinking, then turning to my friend.* “Well, thanks [Friend], this has been great. I’ll go over there now…”
